you're a mystery yourself

Thursday, June 12, 2008

8:56 PM

i'm having a splitting headache right now..
didn't even do what? vigorous mind activities today..
all i did was i attended the interview work shop [which was fantastic, btw]
and hang out with gay belle liang yapheng after that..
it's making me feel like fainting..
i guess it's from all that simulation of an interview condition..
haha.. i knew it was a mental problem for me, the word interview just tighten every nerve in my brain, my body in fact, and makes me just so tense.
well, then i got to admit that i'm not as gutsy as i seem and i'm a closet coward [just like how people are closet muggers/closet bimbos.. hahas, nothing wrong with that(: ]
yeah, guess i've grown to be more honest on my own blog since yeah, it's supposed to be a PERSONAL diary right.. though there're other eyes reading this entry too, other than myself.
haha, digress a lil bit, i used to be afraid of being judged by others. how i appear in front of others and what they think of me mattered a lot to me..
well, i'm not going to talk big and exaggerate about how i'm not afraid of being judged now..
NO, i still very much mind about what others think of me, as a person, as a friend [yeah, it's all that low self-esteem thingy]. but i can say that in relative terms i'm not as afraid to be judged now..
:)
it's all part of growing up.
the interview workshop talked about knowing yourself well, then package yourself to your advantage..
yeah(: so probably in the next few entries, i'll be "exploring" with the diff aspects of me, and yeah, getting to be honest not only with others, but also to myself..

oh. anyway(:
i watched this new taiwan drama, fated to love you
the story resonated in me cuz i could relate to the female lead.
yeah, she wasn't pretty, wasn't playing an important role in her friends' lives, she's just someone that was insignificant and people just make use of her "niceness" to get what they want [not that i feel like i'm being used, no no]. but yeah. in many ways, i could see where she's coming from. a plain jane, who will go out of her way for others and put in her all for the one she loves, even if it's not requited/recipocrated.
her presence makes little difference in other's life even in that of her family..
yeah okayy, so as the story goes, on a fateful day, she met this charismatic, rish and capable guy..so blah, blah, blah..yeah..the usual story goes on..and this other super good looking guy with wonderful personalities also admires her for her warmth and sincerity.. and yeah, the usual thing happens..blahblahblah [go watch the show to find out(:]..and it'll be a happy ending i guess..
three more episodes to go..
hahas. and guess what, in the latest episode, in order to forget the painful past, her lost child, the guy who she loves, who left her for another girl, she went to shanghai with the 2nd hot guy, changed her image and edited her name.. to ELAINE
hahas. yeah. just a coincidence, but yeah, out of so many dramas, how many main leads have the name elaine?
[smilng to myself]
pardon me for all these excitement on my part..
the story goes on, she trains under this imba pottery master, and craved out a successful career for herself, she succeed in becoming the butterfly she dreamed of becoming, the independent woman..
she metamorphosised(:
it's just drama, yeah i know, i'm not a kid too.
but still it's a small positive motivation for myself too(: and i'm happy about thia.

in today's sharing session. someone said that her weakness was low self-esteem..
i thought about this for very long..
it's gonna make me look weird..
it took me quite a bit of courage to tell her "hey, I think u're great. i really think so"
i really think so.
yeah, luckily for me the background was noisy and stuff, so my message didn't have it's full impact. but still i'm glad that that i said that to her. no regrets man..
so what if it makes me look weird.
hey i'm weird(: [unique's the word (: ]

TING

11:25 PM

Time now : 11:25pm
i'm super tired now, eyelids heavy, falling asleep soon..
spent most of my time today at DONUT FACTORY.
it's my first study out day in a long long time.. since sec 2?
just wanna try and see if studying out helps me focus better
hrmm i should say that it did, if not for all the distractions, people walking around, couple flirting, kids clanking their utensils against the table. and not to forget, that sound-so-wrong classical jazz piece that was been played over and over again..
yeah(: so other that that, it would have been a perfect study "outing"..
but no choice really, it's a cafe afterall.. not a library
after all that "exploration" today, here comes the cliche phrase, "home is still the best place to be".

haha, yup. as much as i love DONUTs, love the cappucino, and enjoy the company of Meiching.
there's no place better than home.

haha, yups. i kinda came to a realisation today.
i know that i'm a person with not much mental strength and perseverance, as much as i hope to have, or as much as i need to have and should have.. being an ex-cedarian.
it's just one of my biggest flaw that i didn't want to admit to in the past.
just living in denial, kinda..
don't know why but i just came to terms with it today..
all the unhappy happenings and events which have occurred earlier in the year, were all part of a test for me.
A test of whether i have the mental strength to hold on to what i believe in, to work towards my goal, overcome the obstacles that may come in my way along the journey.
whether i will change the destination to make life easier, or will i persevere and find my way to the desired destination no matter how tough the journey is going to be. when the going gets tough and unbearable, will i give up?
when things don't go the way i want, will i give up? or will i still only have the final destination, my goal in my eyes
this is what i expect of myself..
HOLD ON and have faith(: that's what i like to tell people, but it's time i tell myself the same thing too. we're all so close to the finishing line.
ELAINE SOH, wake up, don't give up now..
i realised today why i've been a loser in so many aspects.. (almost 70% of the things i do), it's me to give up when approaching the crucial point..
so this time, I shall succeed, i shall do myself and those who love me proud, i shall achieve my goals, i shall not give up (:
HOLD ON tight to your dreams for the first time.
"you're no long the soft-hearted girl, so easily convinced, so easily pushed around by others, you always try so hard to please others, for this first, very important time, ELAINE, do it well, do it for yourself, do it for the people who love and support you (: truly JIAYOU and don't give up..
i really hope that this time i can exceed my own previous records/ performance/ abilities, by not giving up and shine as brightly as i can, do as well as my full potential allow, or even beyond

yes, everytime i lose focus, motivation or momentum, i shall look back at this entry as a reminder.
i will try to change for the better(:

I CAN and I WILL!

although today wasn't as productive as i had imagined it to be, i'm satisfied(:
the main point of studying outside today was to freshen up, gain the motivation that i lost, gain momentum.
yup(: i believe that i'd achieved that, so i'm contented with today, and i'm glad to be able to say that i've lived today to the fullest(:
[haha, i received my 2nd birthday present today(: ,though my birthday's still more than a month away.. MEICHING! i love the card and the softball earrings. really appreciate it. will pin the card up in my room. my first present is a pink teddy from my bro, who bought it from his first overseas trip(: thanks bro. ]
TMR WILL BE A BETTER DAY(:

JONAS BROTHERS- HOLD ON
When it falls apart
And your feeling lost
All your hope is gone
don’t forget to hold on, hold on

Cause an empty room can be so loud
Its too many tears to drown them out
So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

When you love someone
And they break your heart
don’t give up on love
Have faith, restart
Just hold on, hold on

TING

11:54 AM

it's time to study for CTs,
well that's a reminder for myself actually, since the time to start studying for it was way before today.
yeah, i just can't seem to get the engine started and get myself to sit down, focus and JUST DO IT.
i really need more pressure and stress.
REALLY..
it'll do me good since i've been lazying around, watching tv and stuff..
it's really got me feeling guilty. the level of guilt in me has been rising ever since the hols started and i haven't accomplished much, or been as productive as i want myself to be.
i really need to gain momentum and motivation from TODAY onwards.
kinda sick of walking around in the house and rotting on the couch.

i don't want to regret when i look back at this holiday, since i've already wasted almost half of it, i'd better do something useful and productive with the next half.

okayy, gonna start studying for CTs proper TODAY.
wish me luck (:

[oh i got my first pre-birthday present from my brother yesterday (: ]

TING

7:10 PM

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing.
There is a time for silence,
a time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny
and a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.”
Octavia Butler

yesterday was HARMOC concert. haha i really wanted to go, but didn't. the reason why i want to go was because jinci, jinghan and chunkiat were perfoming(:
haha, moreover, the hwachong TIPPERS went. haha really wanted to meet up with them and kinda like be their tour guide around VJ or something..
according to yaozhong the concert was awesome(:
good job man
Kudos to the harmoc pple(:

yesterday was meiching's birthday too(: can't wait for her to fill me in about her birthday celebrations and ***..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY girl

tomorrow's gonna be my pesky brother's birthday.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, dude..
grow up.. lol and stop demanding for expensive presents
love you(:

kinda stressed about all the tests coming up. Hope that i can really perform to the best of my abilities and do very well in them(:
i'm taking the psychometric test tmr,
and my Chem NTU final exam on friday
really need to pull up my socks and work really hard this week..
probably for the whole of next month too..
JIAYOUJIAYOU >.<
[why am i blogging now when i know i shouldn't..tsktsk..]

haha oh. i went to the hospital to visit my grandma today.. for the third time [not a lot i know, i'm sorry for that too] she was doing better when i last saw her, cuz now she's running a fever and seems really tired.
sians. i've completely no idea when she'll recover and everyone's still kinda worried, especially my uncle.

TING

3:01 PM

Today's my grandma's birthday.
It's suppose to be a happy day, and we were all very excited about today, especially her.

Today's the day she turns 76, yet, she's spending her birthday in the hospital.
She was admitted this morning, due to stroke. Everyone in the family is worried sick. She's still under observation, for about 4 days or so, still in a critical period as it's going to determine if she is going to recover or not.

I was really affected for I've always had great affection for my granny who brought me up. I was her favourite and she was always proud of me. The thought of me, being of no use in relieving her pain at this point in time really saddens me. She's done so much for me in the past 17 years, but when she's lying on the bed, unable to move her left limbs, unable to see/hear/talk clearly, i could only stand there and watch her outside the ICU, it was heart wrenching. Tears started welling up in my eyes when i went into the ICU and touched her. it was so hard for her to tell us where it was hurting, even so, i felt her pain.

I didn't cry cuz i knew i had to be strong, for the sake of everyone in my family. Even though she cannot hear me, I told her to JIAYOU, be strong and Fight on, with my thoughts. I hope that she can hear me inside her heart and be strong too. Despite the language and sensory barriers, i hope that she can feel my love and support for her at this crucial time.

I pray hard for things to turn for the better, for my beloved grandma to recover and be healthy again.

give us a chance to celebrate her birthday year after year, let her be at my wedding, and my brother's and cousins'.

i need her to love me like before, i want her to be proud of me.

I'm glad that i didn't cry in public and be the strong girl that i should be.
now, i'm crying as i sit infront of the computer, writing this entry. i just don't want to bottle it up inside me.

what i know i need to do now is pray hard for grandma's recovery(: and have faith in her! believe in her fighting spirit!
yup JIAYOU JIAYOU (:

As she fight her battle, i will fight mine. Going to the hospital once again, reminded me of my internship week, it was a great reminder, a motivation and it fueled the dying passion for medicine in me. Now, once again, it's a strong burning flame in me, reminded me of what i set out to achieve, what i want to do no matter how high the obstacles are. I know what i want and i will work hard for it! for myself and the people i love. i want to be an emergency doctor.
Yes, i can. Have Faith and believe(:

TING

3:58 PM

Dance like no one's watching
Love like you've never been hurt
Sing like no one's listening
Work like you don't need money

TING

9:42 PM

heyys!
i started off the day by going for training at 7, today was the match against spartans, our senior. i just wrote reflections for it, so don't feel like blogging about it le..
but i enjoyed it though (:

it was council meeting in the afternoon. okay, it was way more then just a meeting, it was the exco speeches and election day. hahas. this is exciting.. after the "ct mass spam" sc exco qna session, we kinda gain a reputation of firing stabbing chim qna questions.
lol! wrong impression! i'm not the vocal, rah-rah, ask chim questions to stab people kind of senior! well, i decided to ask a question that day, though it's totally unlike me to do that, is because i didn't want the whole thing to be a stalemate, like "oh, no qns, that's all for qna today, victorians, you may vote for your next COUNCIL PRESIDENT".
as the leader of our school, if they cannot answer qna questions what more talk about leading the entire school population to greater heights and implementing changes.
actually my questions were meant to make people who can answer them shine among the rest, so it's actually for a good cause ya..
the question about inspiration and influence to jerrald was to make him more outstanding, i was quite expecting him to ans cuz i think he can!
my question to Hans was about idealism and pragmatism, very nicely answered, i was really take aback and impressed with his reasoning (or even crapping) skills, but it goes to show that he's good at speaking..
almost the whole LT went woooohhh...
every nominee has done a great job today(; really proud of them!
imba..
good job man!

had council lunch at Thaipan, it was a get-together, know-each-other-better, "scandal"-digging, camwhore session. had great fun together, the 16th and 17th ct council.
sorry serene! for revealing your adopted mortal!! really really sorry! it was unintentional, it just slipped out of my mouth..
oh no..
lols. beefoo! you didn't hear anything!!
i shall adopt a mortal on mon to make up for my lack of participation in council angel-mortal.. i shall adopt 4 at one go!
maybe i'll adopt beefoo.. hrmm.. to make up to him..
lols..see first(:

TING

10:30 PM

Heys
School's officially, formally starting tmr. It marks the end of our long long holiday,and the beginning of something of utmost importance.
so to mark this day, the last day of our beautiful holiday, Xiangli, Sokyin, Meiching and I went for a photoshoot again(:
really had fun today, in the forested area, with the helium balloons and my furry wand. and most importantly, my friends(:
It's like a girls day out kind of thing, something that i missed a lot from my Cedar days..
I can't wait for the photos to be out!
thanks to all my dears for being so sporting!
and really sorry to sy for her specs :(
glad that i've done something meaningful today, to mark such a special day..

Fri was the last day of SRC.
didn't expect coach to put me in for the HCI match. really happy(: a big thanks to coach zhang. despite being a kanchiong spider, i did well enough not to disappoint her and the team. yup *pat on the back*
alright(: so despite losing to one team, the vj team still managed to clinch the champion title! yay(:

TING